This site has received many, many applications to work in the Bermuda Police Farce (BPF), a clear indication that those who write either cannot read, do not read or are incapable of understanding what is written.  Whilst you appear eminently qualified for Bermuda and probably exactly the type of recruit the BPF's senior officer's wish to receive, kindly curb the urge to e-mail us, address you requests directly to Bermuda.

We have no interest in your application, we are NOT the BPF.  Any applicant to the BPF should not

  • anticipate a professional constabulary
  • think that working in Bermuda will enhance their career
  • be applying with a view to working hard or making a difference
  • consider Bermuda as a long-term career
  • be thinking other than in mercenary terms - take the money and run
  • expect to be treated reasonably

Should you apply via this site, having been placed on warning (above) do not expect your e-mail to be treated favourably. the following is likely to be the e-mail you receive and advises of the action that will be taken:

thank you for your e-mail,

We suspect your application has been addressed with the usual Bermuda police efficiency ... lost, forgotten or simply cannot be bothered. On the other hand they may have considered you to be over qualified (you can write) or to be over enthusiastic.

However, that you have written to  causes us concern and we refer you to though possibly you would be better advised to consider

Why not approach the island's constabulary using their impressive contact page at It is impressive in relation to the remainder of their site! Fear not, you are one of many who make contact seeking employment - one of your former inspectors was a recent applicant. Some even approach us via:

why not use the preferred means of communication in the Bermuda police - shout? try using the phone 295 0011 and ask for George Jackson - do not use any long words though.

In the meantime we will forward this message to those who may have contact details that they would be prepared to pass to us.

whilst we do not hold out much hope, we wish you well and have included what is not a Bermuda Police exam paper (below)


The Department of Employment has revised the Maths Exam papers.

Name _____________________________


Gang Name________________________

1. Leroy has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an half to Dill for $125 and 90 grams to Eugene for $10,000, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is $40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's $500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the ounce of cocaine he bought for $3,000 to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Dexter got 6 years for murder. He also got $190,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends $2,300 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Dexter get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Troy steals Sinclair's moped. As Troy skates away at a speed of 35mph, Sinclair loads his brother's hand gun. If it takes Sinclair 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Troy have travelled when he gets whacked?

The following questions relate to the wealthy:

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his senior officer friend to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Portugal and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand in a local election?


We think you'll find it is:


received, as opposed to 'gotten'

what's, or what is

-----Original Message-----


Sent: 11 November 2004 17:40



my name is *** ********* i am a serving member in the jamaica costabulary

force. i applied for recruitment in bermuda police up to now i have not

gotten any response . please if you could call me at **** ******* or email

to let me know whats happening.





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